Stepping Out of The Shadows

Unpacking the Dead Weight of Life

Back in January 2019, I joined the many names in the newspaper that Monday morning under the section titled, “Divorces Granted.” There it was in black and white. Part of me wanted to post on Facebook that I had “made the paper” today, but the attempt at humor would only mask the pain of this process.

I had been married for 13 years, had 2 children and was now faced with the one person I had to live with……….myself. It’s not because there was anything salacious, but rather, it was a surrendering that what once worked was no longer working.

Pay attention to the base word, work. Marriage requires tons of work, communication, participation, negotiation, and all the other words that end in “ation.” But I digress. This article is not about the “see what happened was” melodrama and mindless yammering many waste precious time on explaining. It’s about something simple.

Coming from a broken home, I saw first hand how nasty things can get, so the actual “D-Day” was easier for me than most. All the “business” was agreed upon starting in October of 2018.

I left the house, the furnishings, the equity, and all rights to it, and even offered a 2nd year in which she has to refinance it out of my name. (Uncommon in Texas). I pay child support, full medical, dental, vision insurance for both of my children, and I have agreed to drive 2.5 hours to their home to pick them up on my weekends and drive all the way back at the conclusion of our visits. In return, I’ve received some flexibility with this due to my work schedule. (Some weekends, I spend 10 hours on the road, but they’re my children and they’re worth all of it)

Some would say I’m crazy, especially attorneys, but I figure it this way: I can obtain another house, more furniture, more love, but I can’t get more time.

With my new found time, there are a few options for me as a single man:

1. Strip Clubs (Nope, I have too many children and now a grandchild; someone is always needing something and none of my children, (I’m happy to say) are named “Kiki.”
2. Drugs/Alcohol: Bad idea when life has made a left turn. Absolute clarity is required. It’s important to feel the moment, not pacify your ego. (And again, see item number 1; the financial aspect doesn’t make sense, and it tends to lead to worse decisions.) Besides, if I was meant to have those things, my body would’ve come with them.
3. Relationships: Again, there’s a multi-tiered investment required and you can’t just make deposits wherever you like. It’s best to save everything you have for the best one.
4. Work Your Ass Off: This is a great option. It’s not like there’s anyone holding anyone back, and it’s a great time to establish what the next 3 years will resemble.
5. Unpack Your Bullshit- This one should be at the top of the list.

PREPARE HERE, SO YOU CAN BE THERE

Moving forward in life starts with unpacking your bullshit. Brutal honesty is required for this and I’ve found 2 questions to be the most effective delivery resources to attain this:

1. What do you want?
2. Why?

By asking these two questions in quick succession, you’ll quickly realize what it is you truly want and why, as long as you’re telling the truth.

a. Say them out loud

b. Write them down

c. Take rapid action immediately and implement

Whenever you go through something traumatic, life-changing, be it intentionally, circumstantially, or accidentally, it’s important to take some time to asses what it is you truly want.

You’ll have moments where things are dark, lonely, quiet, angry, liberating, freeing, light, and you’ll be sure to fall into a state of self-doubt and criticism. This can cause you to live in the shadows, hiding from those who love you and the rest of the world, and abandoning everything you once enjoyed doing or creating.

This is where your unpacking starts. You have to create an environment where:

1. You forgive yourself

2. Build yourself up again by saying positive things to yourself

3. You rediscover the things you wanted to do but never made a priority for whatever reason

4. Write down your gratitudes (5 things or people you’re thankful for every day)

5. Working out and eating healthy becomes part of your regimen

6. Work and the perfection of it becomes your focus

7. You surround yourself with only the best people; those who are smarter, more accomplished, and better human beings than what you’re accustomed to being around. Do big things with big people doing the same.

8. Set up social functions and meetings to be around the types of people living the life you want to live

By following this process and being mindful of these things, you’ll begin to step out of the shadows that once kept you from your true potential, which is pure energy, or light. The important thing is to focus on finding the sunshine in life. Avoid the dark, cold shadows where many choose to live.

At any moment, you have the choice to create a different life. It’s up to you.